I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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