y did u give ur computer a hand job?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Let's paint friendship bongs
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
