genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
