you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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