Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
