He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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