I didn't shave. On purpose
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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