I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
