Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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