I just saw a hot homeless man
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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