A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
