we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
