K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
