my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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