So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
