im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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