Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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