Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
