the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
