eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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