It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
