My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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