i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
