Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
