I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
