THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
