Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
