His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
