Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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