He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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