this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
