Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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