totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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