it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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