The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
