I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
