That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
