Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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