I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
