We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why are your pants in the freezer?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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