i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
