Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
