This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
