If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
