On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
