Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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