if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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