Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
