im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
