i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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