Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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